This Sunny Struggle

      It is Finals Week. For most college students, this is already the most stressful time of year. It is also spring and while flowers bloom on the trees in the plaza, newly coupled pairs of young people linger under the branches, chatting about non-essentials with a rather unusual interest that is obviously not captured by the conversation. While the weather is growing daily warmer and the sun has decided to spend more time on the job, and less time in its white cloud-stuffed bed, people are finding it pleasant to walk out of doors and explore--especially in a city like Chicago.
     I too have been sucked into this rather delightful and confusing phenomenon of spring. Hmm, but like my professor said, these times are not happy for every one as far as relationships is concerned. There is a lot of break-ups and heart-wrenching at this time as well. We must not forget to mention these unfortunates.
       Broken relationships are not the only rain cloud hanging over the atmosphere, there are many other troubles, finals and juries being two major ones for college students. I have weathered the latter and day after tomorrow will begin my first exam, finishing my finals the next day with another one. This is a small matter in my mind at the moment. Many other things weigh me down whenever I find my mind wandering into their regions.
     First there is a great conflict going on at home which prudence will not allow me to divulge to my readers--but this is not an uncommon plight for students who live far from home and are yet involved emotionally in the trials their family may be experiencing while they are away. Electronic communication very poorly accommodates conversation between people who love each other very much and know each other very well--it often leaves the student with the bare facts bereft of the comforts of "being in this together" and the communal support of the family unit. Thankfully, I will return home in a few days for at least three week's stay and a lot of this difficulty will be removed.
     Secondly, I am learning that ambiguity has a way of saying something specific very loudly and clearly, whereas simply coming out and shouting it to someone might not do the job as well in comparison. Its an interesting paradox. But I am walking it out each day as the semester comes to a close. I may have the liberty to say more about the source of this lesson in future. And while I have been asking God a lot of questions, I have been hearing very few cemented assurances from Him.
      The word of this season seems to be 'uncertainty'--and yet it is very clear to me that things are not truly uncertain; in fact they have been decided upon and plans have been made and very carefully set into play--my uncertainty doesn't cancel the fact that God is very certain of what He is doing, whether He lets me in on the secret or not. This is why I would like to call this semester's close a time of 'sunny struggle'. There is a lot of sunshine about, both literally and spiritually. But I am in a very real, gripping struggle with fears and uncertainties and opportunities to doubt God in every aspect of my life: school, finances, family, relationships, future planning, employment, etc. It is the sunshine in these struggles that is a gift from God which enables me to truly hope in Jesus. The sunshine helps me to set my eyes on Him and decide that perseverance is possible, and the answer, though unknown, is already set into place.
       I love my Lord and trust Him.
       He is the sunshine in my life no matter what season I am walking through!

The Riches of His Grace

My last post was kind of depressing, I know. So, I intend to cheer the blog up a little bit and praise God a lot by relating some of the wonderful things that have happened since my return to Chicago.

The first weekend back was weird. I got here on Saturday and tried to settle into the new room, on the new floor in Houghton. Most of my stuff was coming in boxes in the mail, so unpacking was not really going to happen until monday. My room mate was already here and I got to meet her. First answer to prayer: Joy is an amazing woman--very kind, understanding, and dedicated to Christ. I can trust her and we have already built a foundation for our friendship on prayer and encouraging one another. I couldn't have asked for a better person to room with this semester!

After acclimating to classes and spending the first few days of classes trying to remember the names of my new brother floor and sister floor, I finally started to release the built-up anxiety I'd had since my arrival. It felt so good to have friends and studies to occupy myself with--and I was excited about seeking out my Savior this semester. Coming into the semester I felt like the Lord was wanting to use this semester to teach me about humility. This is something I've been praying for a long time.

By now, the second month of school, I have made some very close friends with the girls on the floor--especially one girl named Madie. And several of the brothers are becoming good friends as well. I really enjoy studying with them and we often play ping-pong, foosball, go ice skating, and play racquetball. I am so blessed to know them! Not only are they a source of entertainment, the Lord has been using them very often to teach me things and help me in so many ways.

Unlike previous semesters I've been very blessed to be in close contact with my mother and some of the brothers at home. They recently each sent me a precious letter: Judah asked me what my hobbies are, Jon asked if I had a boyfriend, and Seth said he was going to come up and visit during one of my breaks! Israel sent me a picture of an Indian rowing a canoe that he'd drawn. He's getting better at his art! Its so neat to hear how they are growing and even becoming more passionate for Jesus in my absence. I miss them a lot.

This week was Founder's Week and I have been very busy. The first two days I worked catering and my Jimmy John's job all day and then went to the evening sessions afterwards. The speakers have been great! I especially enjoyed Chip Ingram's influential, timely message yesterday night. My family has been tuning in on the internet broadcast as well, adding to the experience--I love knowing that they're seeing the same thing as me and then being able to talk to them about it later on!

The blizzard has definitely been the highlight of this past month! I LOVE snow. And there is a lot of snow out there right now. After the evening session night before last--when it first came down really heavy--a group of us moody students decided to brave the winds and walk home in the blustery whiteness. It was soooo much fun! (except for the 2 minutes of agony when my fingers weren't numb yet) The very next day I visited Houghton roof just to see the wonderful drifts up there and look out over the city. Snow is the perfect softening, light-giving decoration for a dirty, rough-edged city like Chicago. It reminds me of the purity of Christ and how He transforms our lives in a similarly striking, pleasant manner.

I am greatly enjoying my studies so far. Though it is a struggle to keep up with everything. I have classes from morning to early afternoon, a few hours to practice piano and study, and then I either have work or PCM each night until 9pm or so. After this more study if I'm not too tired, and then rest. The weekends are filled with more studying and as much fun as I can fit in without compromising my priorities. Its hard to say no to friends sometimes. But I really want to do well this semester in every area.

I'm going to a great church with one of the sisters on my floor. Its a small community church in the southwest corner of the city--not sure of the exact location--and its a very good church. They have a lot of diversity, excellent worship led by a moody alumnus, and biblical preaching. The also have a college group that is trying to reach out to college-age unbelievers; I'd like to get involved with that group if I can make the meetings. I'll probably end up working those nights every week though.

Ultimately, every prayer or concern that I had coming back to moody has been answered. I have a job, my relationships are positive and uplifiting, I have a great room mate, I have a good church to go to, I'm keeping up with homework, and I've been able to keep in touch with my family. Not only that, the Lord is making my grow and stretch in my spiritual walk. I am hungry for His word--though finding a time to study it is difficult--and He is speaking to my heart daily. I just want to thank Jesus for being faithful, full of grace, rich in mercy, and very loving to me. There is none like Him.

Lament

When a child says "I need to make my own decisions for my life." what do you say in return? This statement is inevitably followed by one like it, "Oh, but the way you and I interpret the Bible might be different." Such words are knife wounds in a parent's heart. What demon has possessed your child that he or she should say such things?

But we forget that our children are precious and they are vulnerable to the enemy's attack. He wants them. He longs to draw their minds into deep-set ruts of deception painted over with the luster of "liberation" and "understanding." Liberation from what? Dictatorial rule of the parent. Understanding about what? The wants and needs of a soul who has not yet learned what self-control, longsuffering, and selfless sacrifice is, and how good these spiritual disciplines are for its eternal well-being. 

So what do you tell the child? You've been teaching them scripture all their life. You read to them the Proverbs and they know many by heart. They know not to lie, not to steal, not to blaspheme. And yet they do these things and more now that they have seized their "liberation" from your old-fashioned, ultra-stringent religious beliefs. At least, they see your beliefs in such a light. But you yourself know that for centuries people have honored and respected what is called the "ancient paths." 

"Ancient paths?" you might say, "Well, that does sound pretty old and outdated. I'm sure theology has progressed much further in recent times. Is there really a need to press this sense of tradition on our children?"

But you are mistaken. The ancient paths are not tradition anymore than the Bible is historical fiction. The ancient paths are the roads marked by martyr's blood; the deeply ingrained paths of the mind and heart first made by spiritual giants such as the apostles Peter, Paul, and John. These paths are a way of living; and they lead you to one place: to the mirror at which you may stand and see that after all of your journey along this hard, difficult way, you have been changed from the scoundrel you once were to an image of surpassing  purity and glory--an image of Christ. 

Any other way which is offered that does not lead to this end and is not so proven over time and through history is of no use to the Christian. The other ways offered by the world, by popular religion, and by our inward self will not lead us into an image of Christ but to ruin. This is exactly what Satan, the Great Destroyer, wants and he has cleverly put the idea into our children's heads that they do not have to follow the ancient paths to follow Christ. He offers them a comfortable, up-beat, new-and-improved version of the Christian life and explains that the ancient paths are out-dated and unnecessary. "After all, you have your rights; you're an adult now and have the liberty to decide what you believe about how you want to live. You have the freedom to be different than your parents." and he adds, maliciously, "You don't even need their approval....you have God's approval."

The tragic thing is, they believe it. 

 No amount of explaining why it is necessary to follow the ancient paths will do. They may only reply, "Well, that is your opinion." and dismiss everything you might say to save them from their disaster. This attitude destroys family's like nothing else.  It puts the individual child in a place where they may easily sacrifice their family, years of love and memories, relationships built over long periods of time to the one thing that matter most: themselves. For as soon as they make the decisions themselves and start calling the shots, its not about Christ anymore, or even about right and wrong, its about them.

That's why you find a child saying, "Oh, God is blessing me sooo much. I can see how He is providing for everything!" And the next thing you know they are sleeping with their boyfriend and lying to get out of trouble. You hear about them going to church, they say that they are praying for the Lord's direction, and yet you know that they are living a low, sinful life outside of the church. Not only does it make you angry that they could live such a lie, it makes you hurt for them, because this type of lifestyle changes them so dramatically that you hardly know them anymore. They seem fragile, broken, and dirty. And there is nothing you can do to bring back the beautiful, innocent child of Jesus they once were.

You wonder about their salvation. You wonder if they will ever repent of their ways. You wonder about the future and how you might have to deal with their new lifestyle and its consequences for the rest of your life. What will you say to this child's children when they come? Will you even be able to bear watching them raise your grandchildren in their own false footsteps? Will you not wish that either you or this child had never been born that such a tragedy should not have occurred? 

It breaks your heart. Not because you feel that they're wrong and you're right.   They ARE wrong and the ancient paths ARE right. And there is nothing you can do to keep them from the reaping the death and destruction they are sowing. You can only pray that they will repent and perhaps escape total ruin. 

Back to School

I will be back in Chicago in just a few days. 

This means several things for me. I'll be starting afresh at my studies and a lot of other things at school. But the greatest change is the closing of this season of waiting on the Lord. Its been a hard season, but a good one. I have been made to understand myself as I am, and also as the Lord sees me--two different pictures, but equally meaningful. 

    The hardest parts were when Gina left home. At the same time I was engaged in a lot of spiritual battles. My family needed my support, people at work needed the gospel, and I felt very alone and too weak to adequately meet those needs. I felt like I needed to meet them, anyways. 

   I was reading II Chronicles 12:9-10 last night before I went to bed. Part of it says, "For my strength is made perfect in weakness." Stephen Curtis Chapman has song on the same topic. One of the lyrics says, "Where my strength comes to an end, it's there Your strength begins." This is the one thing that ties together everything God has been teaching me this season. And I am so very, very thankful to have had this time with my family, and with Him. 

   But now, its back to school for me! To tell the truth I am very excited. Though I asked my mother the other day, "Are you ever going to be o.k. with me living somewhere else?" I asked her this because it really makes me sad to make her sad by leaving. But I need to. 

    When I'm not thinking about how mother feels I get very excited about going back up to Chicago. There will be lots of snow, and the 'L' again, and finding a new church, and getting to know my new room mate and sister/brother floors, and new classes with new professors. Also, I really want to practice harder than I ever have before and become a much better pianist. I'm exciting about growing in that area. 

   I have already been emailing my room mate, Joy Mase. She sounds really cool! I think we will get along well and be able to help each other a lot. She has already been praying for me before she knew who I was! I never even thought of praying for her. So, the Lord is already teaching me through her example. 

   The only thing I have to be anxious about is the finances at school. I have one job possibility, but it may not start making money for me until late January. The problem is, I have spent all my money on the December payment and don't have much left for the January payment due in a few days. So, I am wondering how stringent Moody is on their "canceling registration" policy for late payments. Oh well, the Lord knows. And if I end up having to leave Moody this semester, it will be alright. But I'm pretty sure that won't happen. :D

               

To sing or not to sing?

I find the idea of directing elementary choirs something irresistible at the moment. I am accompanying Miss Susie's elementary choir at Travis Academy of Fine Arts this fall. I have watched the children learn music in leaps and bounds, and I've witnessed the magic of Miss Susie's teaching methods work wonders with them. I consider Susie to be a bit of a genius, but most of what she does was learned through music study and experience. Both of which are not impossible for me to have as well.
   The fact of the matter is, I would love to do what she does. And while I know how hard I would have to work, and how long I would have to be in school to get there, I really think its worth it. If I knew for sure that's what God has in the majority of my future, I think I would be changing my major in a heartbeat. But I am not for sure.
   Yet I can't help but reflect that you can be a missionary (my other dream/calling) without a college degree, while its nearly impossible to teach music professionally without one! The logic of the matter leads me to believe that I would be better off with even a rudimentary music education than a missions degree. These are things that I am weighing in my heart and mind right now.
    Last spring I made the decision to change my major from ethnomusicology to international missions. But as I reflect and contemplate returning to Moody this spring, I am starting to doubt the soundness of that decision. For one thing I can't remember my motives, and I suspect that they stemmed out of the completely lazy attitude I was steeped in at the time. Another thing is, I am pretty sure there is not one decision I made that semester that I have not lived to regret.
    Setting logic aside, I am certain that the Lord will direct in whichever direction I should go, and that in every circumstance His wisdom will prove to be the best. So, we shall see what happens in the next months.

This Winter

In the winter-time we see
the falling of the autumn leaves
the misting of the morning breeze
and many lovely, icy things

The boys bring wooden logs
and set them on the hearth to thaw
We bring out coats, gloves, hats, and all
and think "How short was this year's fall!"

It's wintertime already.

I cuddle up inside my quilts tonight
and look upon the silvery light
the moon's soft glow that creeps inside
and makes my room a pretty sight

I love the cold, the moon, the frost
I love the time with family, lost
whenever I'm away so oft'
and can't come home because of cost

This winter I am happy.

The balance between Pride and Self-degradation

There is a girl in her early twenties that I know, who is very accomplished and intelligent.
She was home schooled like me, and her schooling allowed for all of her strengths and talents
to be very thoroughly explored and refined. She began to sing at an early age, and memorized many
short scriptures before she began to read. At age seven she began her music education and continued
to develop her musical talents until she had won a trophy and several medals for her voice. She was
part of the most elite youth choir in her area, and travelled with this choir to the state competition--said
to be the most competitive competition in the country because of the size of the state. She was not only
a vocalist, but also a pianist. She was not only a musician but also and artist, a writer, and a modest
architect. All throughout her childhood she drew plans for amusement parks, schools, dormitories, cities, farms, ranches, and multistory homes. This young woman was ambitious, honest, and possessed a spirit of excellence. When she was old enough to get a job she was known at her workplace as the cleanest, mildest-tempered, most trustworthy employee. Her employer trusted her with a great deal of responsibility and everyone went to her for help and even for advice on matters of private life! When she made a mistake on occasion or was late for work no one cared because it was so unusual for her--most of the time she was five minutes early! When she went to college, her professors all liked her and enjoyed spending extra time getting to know her outside of the class. She was a leader and an example to the girls in her project group, and other students came to her for advice and critique on their papers. She was a hard worker and got excellent grades, while still working to earn her tuition and keeping up her music studies and artistic hobbies. This young woman's life goals were completely unselfish and honorable. She wanted to serve the helpless and poor and devote her life to education of the highest quality.

This young woman would have much to pridefully boast about if she found the occasion to.

There is another young woman I know--well, she is more of a 'girl' than a 'woman'. She was also intelligent and gifted from a young age. But this girl had a very big problem that was quite embarrassing. I will describe to you her problem. At a young age she began to notice at church that people liked her. And so she went around asking them for candy and gum and mints, and talking with a very big mouth about everything she knew. She was a smart-alec in sunday school and she didn't care if the other kids didn't like it--she knew all the answers! She also had a secret. She liked the sunday school teacher's son, and every time her family was leaving she would run and find him and give him a big kiss. She was sure she would marry him when she grew up--who cared if he was six years older than her? When she was sixteen, this girl had to move to another state and another church with her family. She studied at home and took classes once a week for choir, and band, and stuff. She didn't like that school because she felt so awkward. She didn't have clothes like the other girls, and she was too nerdy to pretend there was nothing between her two ears like they did--but the boys seemed to like girls like that and not the nerdy ones like her. That was another problem: boys. She was just starting to like boys and felt so guilty about it. It made life really awkward and uncomfortable and she wished she could stop. Then she met a nerdy guy like herself who turned out to be a pretty good friend. She wasn't doing too well in school--math was hard and she cheated all the time. She couldn't help it, she was afraid of getting a bad grade and disappointing her parents! And besides, she wanted to be a missionary, so why did she need to go to school anyhow? The whole liking-boys-thing really blew up when she started to like the nerdy guy who had become her best friend. He suddenly started ignoring her and her whole world was a handful of broken glass in her hand. Eventually she moved on from that and graduated with a class of complete strangers--all the airheads she wanted to be accepted by who didn't know she existed. Then she went to college and the boy-trouble started again. Her second semester she cheated on a class again and went home with bad grades and disappointed parents. To top it all off she went off to a summer camp and spent the whole time there distracted by--you guessed it--another one of those boys. Back at home, she worked to save money but couldn't gather enough self-control to stop buying things. What's more, she was in her own room--the room full of unfinished paintings, stories, drawings, plans, dreams---all unfinished. She knew they never would be finished. Her life was a shambles.

 If this girl had occasion she could easily fall into the trap of self-degradation.

Not surprisingly, these two people are actually one and the same; they are me. There are rare moments when I take a moment in my busy life to reflect and feel quite contentedly like the first young woman. Those are often the moments that prelude my saying something stupidly prideful and then, realizing my error, plummet to the degradation of the second girl. In fact, most of the time I stay in the low-point of view and think of myself as that girl. If there is a balance between pride and self-degradation I think it is humility.
     Humility is something that intrigues me and is very, very elusive. C.S. Lewis said that a humble person doesn't degrade themselves, and certainly does not parade themselves--they just seem to happily forget all about themselves in serving others. I think that as long as they are serving others as if those 'others' are Christ Jesus, Lewis' definition is correct. I also know that in my pursuit of humility I have found it to be a very tricky business. For you can't think about humility and be humble--then you are merely a penitent prideful person wanting to better themselves. And if you degrade yourself in trying to be humble then obviously, you miss the mark because your attention is on yourself! Humility is a subconscious thing that pervades the whole person so that they could not be anything but humble if they are really themselves.
      Jesus never had to think about being humble. He was born with the highest credentials a man could possess: The Son of God. But when He acted in that role and healed people, He hushed their praises. He could have rested upon the circumstances of his low birth and poor upbringing to bring him the sort of 'humility' most people recognize. But self-degradation was never on his mind. He was completely humble because, knowing full well who He was and what the world thought of Him, He simply spent all His thought and energy concentrating on what was more important: The will of His father. He was not at all self-focused but all God-focused. He was perfectly humble; and He is my hope and encouragement when I feel the shame of self-degradation, or the folly of my pride.