"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased (live humbly), and I know how to abound (live prosperously). Everywhere, and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~Philippianes 4: 11-13
For the past two weeks something has been growing inside me which makes me grumpy most of the time, makes me want to be alone and sulk, makes prayer a chore, and makes 'doing what's right' seem meaningless and unfulfilling. Self-pity and impatience/shortness with others are the side effects, and of late I have grown extremely anxious to know what is at the root.
Last night I (grudgingly) went to teens with Gina, knowing that I wouldn't have any friends there and that I wouldn't have any fun (there's the self-pity). But in spite of my coming expecting nothing from God, God decided to give me something anyways. The subject of Josh's teaching and our discussion was from Romans 12: 1-2, about taking our thoughts captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ. I appreciated that Josh didn't only emphasize the obvious thoughts we ought to take captive: lust, pride, anger; but that he also emphasized thoughts of self-pity, condemnation, and shame that the enemy brings to us but which do not line up with the Word of God.
Leaving the church, I had a lot to think about, and my sleep was full of crazy dreams. But this morning I was able to think some, and realized that this 'spiritual apathy' I had been feeling ashamed of was not really me--I want Jesus and holiness very much!--but it was the emotion of a heart afflicted with discontent. Rather than be convicted of this, I saw that God wanted to encourage me to take my thoughts captive and to remember how much I do love Him! He wants to deal with my discontent, and I am very glad He does, because I'm very sick of it.
The great thing about taking thoughts captive is that to do so you have to confront the thoughts with the Word of God. Which means you've got to have the Word of God in you! And so this is another motivation for the scripture memorization that I already wanted to work on this summer! God is a great planner and always knows just what we need.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Home
I have been back at home for some time now.
The first week flew by very fast filled with lots of games of Battleship with the little guys, lots of playing music for the family, and lots of talks with Gina late into the night. It is hard in many ways to be back. I have not been used to the boy's romps and arguments--so those things make me upset with them and I often say things I don't mean. I have to get used to ignoring their remarks so that we won't get into any "battles of the wit". I always lost my temper, and Jon and Seth seem to know just what to say to stump me.
Its been interesting to get to know the family again. My parents are the same, but dearer to me because of the stage of life I'm in. It used to be hard to have to get their advice on everything--these days I really think that I can't do without it!
Gina is very different. I have to get used to the woman she is becoming, and remember that she's not my little sister that I can boss anymore. We are still so close, and I am so glad of that. She has been a great source of comfort and understanding to me of late.
Jon and Seth have grown up a great deal in the five months I was gone. They are as tall as me now, very manly and strong, and are starting to swagger around and give their opinions to me. Oh dear.
Judah and Israel are practically the same. They still are mischievous and clever at getting what they want. They still think they're big enough to take the big boys. And most of all, they still love to play with me, show me their tricks, and ask me to pray for them at night. That time beside their beds is very precious to me--I pray my heart out for them and then get lots of kisses. I wish I could say they went right to sleep after that, but I know I didn't when I was a kid, and neither do they!
We have a dog now too, named Buddy. He's a big fluffy thing that is very gentle, very friendly, and not at all a nuisance like some dogs. Daddy asked me once, "You don't really like dogs either?" (its a well-known fact that I don't like cats). Well, I must say that if there ever was a pair of dogs I liked, they would be Buddy and the collie we used to have named Dylan. Besides those two, I'll stick with birds.
Nanny and Poppy are here too. Yesterday, Daddy and the big boys had to take part of our wood fence down and pull their RV through to the back yard because the city said we couldn't let them park beside our house, next to the driveway. So now they are camped in the backyard under a tree and have their own little park to sit and admire from their 'porch'. This park has lots of green grass, a 4' inflatable swimming pool, and a vegetable garden!
Poppy is so wise and Nanny so kind. I love having them here. I have found myself going to Poppy for advice lately, and I've asked Nanny to be my accountability and prayer partner for the summer while I'm gone to Montana. She is very excited about that, to be sure.
I am preparing to go to a christian summer camp called Trail's End Ranch, but I really wish I knew more details about the job so I could prepare. I know that I will be doing music for the chapel services and that they have a keyboard. I've gotten some music together and ordered a hymnal from Amazon, but I am really going with very little at this point. I don't know what kind of music they like, and I have a feeling that I don't know any of the 'camp songs' that are a lot of fun and that kids love so much.
I trust though, that as long as I go prepared for anything I'll have a lot of fun and be able to help all the children God sends to talk to me while I'm there. Montana itself should be beautiful; and countryside always rests me up--even when I am hard at work in it.
God has been doing so much in my heart that I can't even write here. It has been very painful--probably the most painful lesson I have had to learn in my life! But He has been good and gracious to me. My heart is tender before Him, and while I would like to lock everything away and forget about it, He won't let me. I must go through each little trial He sends, learn the lesson it gives, and make certain that I am wholly His and trusting Him alone for each new day. Please keep me in your prayers this summer.
The first week flew by very fast filled with lots of games of Battleship with the little guys, lots of playing music for the family, and lots of talks with Gina late into the night. It is hard in many ways to be back. I have not been used to the boy's romps and arguments--so those things make me upset with them and I often say things I don't mean. I have to get used to ignoring their remarks so that we won't get into any "battles of the wit". I always lost my temper, and Jon and Seth seem to know just what to say to stump me.
Its been interesting to get to know the family again. My parents are the same, but dearer to me because of the stage of life I'm in. It used to be hard to have to get their advice on everything--these days I really think that I can't do without it!
Gina is very different. I have to get used to the woman she is becoming, and remember that she's not my little sister that I can boss anymore. We are still so close, and I am so glad of that. She has been a great source of comfort and understanding to me of late.
Jon and Seth have grown up a great deal in the five months I was gone. They are as tall as me now, very manly and strong, and are starting to swagger around and give their opinions to me. Oh dear.
Judah and Israel are practically the same. They still are mischievous and clever at getting what they want. They still think they're big enough to take the big boys. And most of all, they still love to play with me, show me their tricks, and ask me to pray for them at night. That time beside their beds is very precious to me--I pray my heart out for them and then get lots of kisses. I wish I could say they went right to sleep after that, but I know I didn't when I was a kid, and neither do they!
We have a dog now too, named Buddy. He's a big fluffy thing that is very gentle, very friendly, and not at all a nuisance like some dogs. Daddy asked me once, "You don't really like dogs either?" (its a well-known fact that I don't like cats). Well, I must say that if there ever was a pair of dogs I liked, they would be Buddy and the collie we used to have named Dylan. Besides those two, I'll stick with birds.
Nanny and Poppy are here too. Yesterday, Daddy and the big boys had to take part of our wood fence down and pull their RV through to the back yard because the city said we couldn't let them park beside our house, next to the driveway. So now they are camped in the backyard under a tree and have their own little park to sit and admire from their 'porch'. This park has lots of green grass, a 4' inflatable swimming pool, and a vegetable garden!
Poppy is so wise and Nanny so kind. I love having them here. I have found myself going to Poppy for advice lately, and I've asked Nanny to be my accountability and prayer partner for the summer while I'm gone to Montana. She is very excited about that, to be sure.
I am preparing to go to a christian summer camp called Trail's End Ranch, but I really wish I knew more details about the job so I could prepare. I know that I will be doing music for the chapel services and that they have a keyboard. I've gotten some music together and ordered a hymnal from Amazon, but I am really going with very little at this point. I don't know what kind of music they like, and I have a feeling that I don't know any of the 'camp songs' that are a lot of fun and that kids love so much.
I trust though, that as long as I go prepared for anything I'll have a lot of fun and be able to help all the children God sends to talk to me while I'm there. Montana itself should be beautiful; and countryside always rests me up--even when I am hard at work in it.
God has been doing so much in my heart that I can't even write here. It has been very painful--probably the most painful lesson I have had to learn in my life! But He has been good and gracious to me. My heart is tender before Him, and while I would like to lock everything away and forget about it, He won't let me. I must go through each little trial He sends, learn the lesson it gives, and make certain that I am wholly His and trusting Him alone for each new day. Please keep me in your prayers this summer.
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