The balance between Pride and Self-degradation

There is a girl in her early twenties that I know, who is very accomplished and intelligent.
She was home schooled like me, and her schooling allowed for all of her strengths and talents
to be very thoroughly explored and refined. She began to sing at an early age, and memorized many
short scriptures before she began to read. At age seven she began her music education and continued
to develop her musical talents until she had won a trophy and several medals for her voice. She was
part of the most elite youth choir in her area, and travelled with this choir to the state competition--said
to be the most competitive competition in the country because of the size of the state. She was not only
a vocalist, but also a pianist. She was not only a musician but also and artist, a writer, and a modest
architect. All throughout her childhood she drew plans for amusement parks, schools, dormitories, cities, farms, ranches, and multistory homes. This young woman was ambitious, honest, and possessed a spirit of excellence. When she was old enough to get a job she was known at her workplace as the cleanest, mildest-tempered, most trustworthy employee. Her employer trusted her with a great deal of responsibility and everyone went to her for help and even for advice on matters of private life! When she made a mistake on occasion or was late for work no one cared because it was so unusual for her--most of the time she was five minutes early! When she went to college, her professors all liked her and enjoyed spending extra time getting to know her outside of the class. She was a leader and an example to the girls in her project group, and other students came to her for advice and critique on their papers. She was a hard worker and got excellent grades, while still working to earn her tuition and keeping up her music studies and artistic hobbies. This young woman's life goals were completely unselfish and honorable. She wanted to serve the helpless and poor and devote her life to education of the highest quality.

This young woman would have much to pridefully boast about if she found the occasion to.

There is another young woman I know--well, she is more of a 'girl' than a 'woman'. She was also intelligent and gifted from a young age. But this girl had a very big problem that was quite embarrassing. I will describe to you her problem. At a young age she began to notice at church that people liked her. And so she went around asking them for candy and gum and mints, and talking with a very big mouth about everything she knew. She was a smart-alec in sunday school and she didn't care if the other kids didn't like it--she knew all the answers! She also had a secret. She liked the sunday school teacher's son, and every time her family was leaving she would run and find him and give him a big kiss. She was sure she would marry him when she grew up--who cared if he was six years older than her? When she was sixteen, this girl had to move to another state and another church with her family. She studied at home and took classes once a week for choir, and band, and stuff. She didn't like that school because she felt so awkward. She didn't have clothes like the other girls, and she was too nerdy to pretend there was nothing between her two ears like they did--but the boys seemed to like girls like that and not the nerdy ones like her. That was another problem: boys. She was just starting to like boys and felt so guilty about it. It made life really awkward and uncomfortable and she wished she could stop. Then she met a nerdy guy like herself who turned out to be a pretty good friend. She wasn't doing too well in school--math was hard and she cheated all the time. She couldn't help it, she was afraid of getting a bad grade and disappointing her parents! And besides, she wanted to be a missionary, so why did she need to go to school anyhow? The whole liking-boys-thing really blew up when she started to like the nerdy guy who had become her best friend. He suddenly started ignoring her and her whole world was a handful of broken glass in her hand. Eventually she moved on from that and graduated with a class of complete strangers--all the airheads she wanted to be accepted by who didn't know she existed. Then she went to college and the boy-trouble started again. Her second semester she cheated on a class again and went home with bad grades and disappointed parents. To top it all off she went off to a summer camp and spent the whole time there distracted by--you guessed it--another one of those boys. Back at home, she worked to save money but couldn't gather enough self-control to stop buying things. What's more, she was in her own room--the room full of unfinished paintings, stories, drawings, plans, dreams---all unfinished. She knew they never would be finished. Her life was a shambles.

 If this girl had occasion she could easily fall into the trap of self-degradation.

Not surprisingly, these two people are actually one and the same; they are me. There are rare moments when I take a moment in my busy life to reflect and feel quite contentedly like the first young woman. Those are often the moments that prelude my saying something stupidly prideful and then, realizing my error, plummet to the degradation of the second girl. In fact, most of the time I stay in the low-point of view and think of myself as that girl. If there is a balance between pride and self-degradation I think it is humility.
     Humility is something that intrigues me and is very, very elusive. C.S. Lewis said that a humble person doesn't degrade themselves, and certainly does not parade themselves--they just seem to happily forget all about themselves in serving others. I think that as long as they are serving others as if those 'others' are Christ Jesus, Lewis' definition is correct. I also know that in my pursuit of humility I have found it to be a very tricky business. For you can't think about humility and be humble--then you are merely a penitent prideful person wanting to better themselves. And if you degrade yourself in trying to be humble then obviously, you miss the mark because your attention is on yourself! Humility is a subconscious thing that pervades the whole person so that they could not be anything but humble if they are really themselves.
      Jesus never had to think about being humble. He was born with the highest credentials a man could possess: The Son of God. But when He acted in that role and healed people, He hushed their praises. He could have rested upon the circumstances of his low birth and poor upbringing to bring him the sort of 'humility' most people recognize. But self-degradation was never on his mind. He was completely humble because, knowing full well who He was and what the world thought of Him, He simply spent all His thought and energy concentrating on what was more important: The will of His father. He was not at all self-focused but all God-focused. He was perfectly humble; and He is my hope and encouragement when I feel the shame of self-degradation, or the folly of my pride.