Back to School

I will be back in Chicago in just a few days. 

This means several things for me. I'll be starting afresh at my studies and a lot of other things at school. But the greatest change is the closing of this season of waiting on the Lord. Its been a hard season, but a good one. I have been made to understand myself as I am, and also as the Lord sees me--two different pictures, but equally meaningful. 

    The hardest parts were when Gina left home. At the same time I was engaged in a lot of spiritual battles. My family needed my support, people at work needed the gospel, and I felt very alone and too weak to adequately meet those needs. I felt like I needed to meet them, anyways. 

   I was reading II Chronicles 12:9-10 last night before I went to bed. Part of it says, "For my strength is made perfect in weakness." Stephen Curtis Chapman has song on the same topic. One of the lyrics says, "Where my strength comes to an end, it's there Your strength begins." This is the one thing that ties together everything God has been teaching me this season. And I am so very, very thankful to have had this time with my family, and with Him. 

   But now, its back to school for me! To tell the truth I am very excited. Though I asked my mother the other day, "Are you ever going to be o.k. with me living somewhere else?" I asked her this because it really makes me sad to make her sad by leaving. But I need to. 

    When I'm not thinking about how mother feels I get very excited about going back up to Chicago. There will be lots of snow, and the 'L' again, and finding a new church, and getting to know my new room mate and sister/brother floors, and new classes with new professors. Also, I really want to practice harder than I ever have before and become a much better pianist. I'm exciting about growing in that area. 

   I have already been emailing my room mate, Joy Mase. She sounds really cool! I think we will get along well and be able to help each other a lot. She has already been praying for me before she knew who I was! I never even thought of praying for her. So, the Lord is already teaching me through her example. 

   The only thing I have to be anxious about is the finances at school. I have one job possibility, but it may not start making money for me until late January. The problem is, I have spent all my money on the December payment and don't have much left for the January payment due in a few days. So, I am wondering how stringent Moody is on their "canceling registration" policy for late payments. Oh well, the Lord knows. And if I end up having to leave Moody this semester, it will be alright. But I'm pretty sure that won't happen. :D

               

To sing or not to sing?

I find the idea of directing elementary choirs something irresistible at the moment. I am accompanying Miss Susie's elementary choir at Travis Academy of Fine Arts this fall. I have watched the children learn music in leaps and bounds, and I've witnessed the magic of Miss Susie's teaching methods work wonders with them. I consider Susie to be a bit of a genius, but most of what she does was learned through music study and experience. Both of which are not impossible for me to have as well.
   The fact of the matter is, I would love to do what she does. And while I know how hard I would have to work, and how long I would have to be in school to get there, I really think its worth it. If I knew for sure that's what God has in the majority of my future, I think I would be changing my major in a heartbeat. But I am not for sure.
   Yet I can't help but reflect that you can be a missionary (my other dream/calling) without a college degree, while its nearly impossible to teach music professionally without one! The logic of the matter leads me to believe that I would be better off with even a rudimentary music education than a missions degree. These are things that I am weighing in my heart and mind right now.
    Last spring I made the decision to change my major from ethnomusicology to international missions. But as I reflect and contemplate returning to Moody this spring, I am starting to doubt the soundness of that decision. For one thing I can't remember my motives, and I suspect that they stemmed out of the completely lazy attitude I was steeped in at the time. Another thing is, I am pretty sure there is not one decision I made that semester that I have not lived to regret.
    Setting logic aside, I am certain that the Lord will direct in whichever direction I should go, and that in every circumstance His wisdom will prove to be the best. So, we shall see what happens in the next months.

This Winter

In the winter-time we see
the falling of the autumn leaves
the misting of the morning breeze
and many lovely, icy things

The boys bring wooden logs
and set them on the hearth to thaw
We bring out coats, gloves, hats, and all
and think "How short was this year's fall!"

It's wintertime already.

I cuddle up inside my quilts tonight
and look upon the silvery light
the moon's soft glow that creeps inside
and makes my room a pretty sight

I love the cold, the moon, the frost
I love the time with family, lost
whenever I'm away so oft'
and can't come home because of cost

This winter I am happy.

The balance between Pride and Self-degradation

There is a girl in her early twenties that I know, who is very accomplished and intelligent.
She was home schooled like me, and her schooling allowed for all of her strengths and talents
to be very thoroughly explored and refined. She began to sing at an early age, and memorized many
short scriptures before she began to read. At age seven she began her music education and continued
to develop her musical talents until she had won a trophy and several medals for her voice. She was
part of the most elite youth choir in her area, and travelled with this choir to the state competition--said
to be the most competitive competition in the country because of the size of the state. She was not only
a vocalist, but also a pianist. She was not only a musician but also and artist, a writer, and a modest
architect. All throughout her childhood she drew plans for amusement parks, schools, dormitories, cities, farms, ranches, and multistory homes. This young woman was ambitious, honest, and possessed a spirit of excellence. When she was old enough to get a job she was known at her workplace as the cleanest, mildest-tempered, most trustworthy employee. Her employer trusted her with a great deal of responsibility and everyone went to her for help and even for advice on matters of private life! When she made a mistake on occasion or was late for work no one cared because it was so unusual for her--most of the time she was five minutes early! When she went to college, her professors all liked her and enjoyed spending extra time getting to know her outside of the class. She was a leader and an example to the girls in her project group, and other students came to her for advice and critique on their papers. She was a hard worker and got excellent grades, while still working to earn her tuition and keeping up her music studies and artistic hobbies. This young woman's life goals were completely unselfish and honorable. She wanted to serve the helpless and poor and devote her life to education of the highest quality.

This young woman would have much to pridefully boast about if she found the occasion to.

There is another young woman I know--well, she is more of a 'girl' than a 'woman'. She was also intelligent and gifted from a young age. But this girl had a very big problem that was quite embarrassing. I will describe to you her problem. At a young age she began to notice at church that people liked her. And so she went around asking them for candy and gum and mints, and talking with a very big mouth about everything she knew. She was a smart-alec in sunday school and she didn't care if the other kids didn't like it--she knew all the answers! She also had a secret. She liked the sunday school teacher's son, and every time her family was leaving she would run and find him and give him a big kiss. She was sure she would marry him when she grew up--who cared if he was six years older than her? When she was sixteen, this girl had to move to another state and another church with her family. She studied at home and took classes once a week for choir, and band, and stuff. She didn't like that school because she felt so awkward. She didn't have clothes like the other girls, and she was too nerdy to pretend there was nothing between her two ears like they did--but the boys seemed to like girls like that and not the nerdy ones like her. That was another problem: boys. She was just starting to like boys and felt so guilty about it. It made life really awkward and uncomfortable and she wished she could stop. Then she met a nerdy guy like herself who turned out to be a pretty good friend. She wasn't doing too well in school--math was hard and she cheated all the time. She couldn't help it, she was afraid of getting a bad grade and disappointing her parents! And besides, she wanted to be a missionary, so why did she need to go to school anyhow? The whole liking-boys-thing really blew up when she started to like the nerdy guy who had become her best friend. He suddenly started ignoring her and her whole world was a handful of broken glass in her hand. Eventually she moved on from that and graduated with a class of complete strangers--all the airheads she wanted to be accepted by who didn't know she existed. Then she went to college and the boy-trouble started again. Her second semester she cheated on a class again and went home with bad grades and disappointed parents. To top it all off she went off to a summer camp and spent the whole time there distracted by--you guessed it--another one of those boys. Back at home, she worked to save money but couldn't gather enough self-control to stop buying things. What's more, she was in her own room--the room full of unfinished paintings, stories, drawings, plans, dreams---all unfinished. She knew they never would be finished. Her life was a shambles.

 If this girl had occasion she could easily fall into the trap of self-degradation.

Not surprisingly, these two people are actually one and the same; they are me. There are rare moments when I take a moment in my busy life to reflect and feel quite contentedly like the first young woman. Those are often the moments that prelude my saying something stupidly prideful and then, realizing my error, plummet to the degradation of the second girl. In fact, most of the time I stay in the low-point of view and think of myself as that girl. If there is a balance between pride and self-degradation I think it is humility.
     Humility is something that intrigues me and is very, very elusive. C.S. Lewis said that a humble person doesn't degrade themselves, and certainly does not parade themselves--they just seem to happily forget all about themselves in serving others. I think that as long as they are serving others as if those 'others' are Christ Jesus, Lewis' definition is correct. I also know that in my pursuit of humility I have found it to be a very tricky business. For you can't think about humility and be humble--then you are merely a penitent prideful person wanting to better themselves. And if you degrade yourself in trying to be humble then obviously, you miss the mark because your attention is on yourself! Humility is a subconscious thing that pervades the whole person so that they could not be anything but humble if they are really themselves.
      Jesus never had to think about being humble. He was born with the highest credentials a man could possess: The Son of God. But when He acted in that role and healed people, He hushed their praises. He could have rested upon the circumstances of his low birth and poor upbringing to bring him the sort of 'humility' most people recognize. But self-degradation was never on his mind. He was completely humble because, knowing full well who He was and what the world thought of Him, He simply spent all His thought and energy concentrating on what was more important: The will of His father. He was not at all self-focused but all God-focused. He was perfectly humble; and He is my hope and encouragement when I feel the shame of self-degradation, or the folly of my pride.

Living on a Tithe

I work at a Pizza restaurant where families come and get tasty, gourmet pizza for a moderately expensive price...and almost always excellent service. I get to be a server and make anywhere from 16 to 40 dollars a night...depending on how busy the restaurant is.
     When I get home and empty my pockets, I separate my wad of cash into two different mugs: one for the bank, and one for my tithe, which goes to a missionary in Ukraine. One night I stood before my mugs sitting in the window sill and looked at the twenties and fives in "my" mug, and then at all the dollar bills in "God's mug". The thought struck me, "It would be really cool to be that missionary and live off of somebody's 10%. In fact, it would be even more awesome if I lived off the 10% and sent the 90% to the missionary! That would be cool. And it would take a lot of faith and a lot of hard work at cutting costs!
 I told my Mom, "Someday, when I'm not in college and I'm still single, I'm going to do that."

  Funny thing is, God decided that right now is a good time to start...in a sense.

When I got the job at the restaurant I kind of thought I was going to make a lot of money. I would work hard, get to the top fast, and God would bless me with a lot of customers who would pay me big tips. Well, that kind of didn't line up with His plan. Because although I work super hard and tire myself out with the strain of "excellent service" I have rarely had a customer appreciate my efforts and show me by giving an extra large tip. In fact I often get stingy tips in return for my hard work.
    But before you begin to think that I am poor, let me tell you about the heavenly riches that the Lord has been raining down on me in loads and loads!

   The first week I was standing and rolling silverware. The busboy, Derek, walked up to me and we started talking. Then I asked him what he thought about Muslims. He hadn't thought much, but he said something about not thinking they were all terrorists...some of them were pretty good people! So we talked about good people. And I made it a game of twenty questions: "Do you think a good person would curse? steal? murder?" etc. At the end of the conversation we talked about Jesus and how He came to save all us "not-so-good" people!

    Another time I was singing a song and the expo guy, Roberto, asked me what I was singing. It was a praise song, so I sang it louder. Later on he said, "You're a Christian, right?" And we discussed what we believed in--he's a catholic. From some of the things he said in that conversation I believe he has been saved, even though he is a catholic. At the end of the conversation I asked him if he were married. He said, "Yes. Well, kind of."
  My friend explained that because his parents had gotten a divorce and then later on remarried, he did not feel that marriage was necessary for two people. He expressed fear that later he and his wife would split up. He also said that He was afraid of answering to God for not keeping the marriage together.
I asked Him, "Roberto, when we talked about God being all-powerful and incredibly loving, we were talking about the God who holds marriages together. Don't you think He's powerful enough to keep you and your wife together if you trust Him?"
  He laughed and said He needed to think about that. But I could see that he was pleased with that idea. I hope he will take it to heart.
 
   Now before I paint myself as some heavenly angel in a dark and hurting world...let me tell you about last Friday night!

 At the beginning of the night I went to the office to check in with my manager and get his o.k. to start work. He said to me, "Lindsey, don't change. Don't be like all the other _____ people in this restaurant!"
In my heart I said, "Yeah, I'm waaay better than all those people." And I told him I wouldn't change.
That night was the worst night I've EVER had at a restaurant. I broke two plates, I bumped into customers, I got people's orders wrong, I mixed up table numbers and checks, etc. I'd never been worse.

    When the second plate went dashing to the floor, brownie and all, I told Roberto. "God is trying to teach me that I need to be humble!" And I had that conversation with my boss in mind. I realized that I had missed an opportunity to share with him why I was different...because of Jesus. In my pride, I had taken all the credit and missed a gospel-sharing opportunity. I felt terrible.

  The next day I was working in the morning. I went in to the office to check in with the same boss, and the most amazing thing happened. He said to me, "Lindsey, don't change." And this time I responded rightly. The Lord had redeemed my mess up and given me another chance. Not only that, my boss heard about the good news of Jesus Christ! God is so good and mercy and grace never end.

 Every week I count up my money and find that I've fallen short of the goal again. I'm not going to return to Moody with half of my tuition saved up. But at the end of each night at the restaurant, I don't feel disappointment. I feel satisfaction...contentment...purpose. God has a reason for me to be there. And He'll take care of my future, full bank account or empty bank account.

Time

More to come soon..

Idealism

At the end of summer camp, during my exit interview, I was informed that I was an idealist. In case you need some help with that one here's a definition. "Someone who forms and pursues unrealistic ideals." My director encouraged me not to be too idealistic about people, especially, since everyone comes from a different background of experience and has their own personality. I must confess that I've always found it hard to put myself in another's person's shoes. I can easily put myself in their situation--but thats the things--I've still got myself in the equation and I always give advice based on what I would do if I were in their situation. But they are not me and my advice doesn't help them much. Neither does it help me understand and love other people as they are.
   I'm realizing that I have been idealistic about my family as well. I came home and expected certain things in each of my siblings and my parents, but have been disappointed. Because of disappointment I've lost my motivation to serve my family in the greatest capacity possible. Because I have become so disillusioned and discouraged I've lost my purpose in being home and have become bored and grumpy. And all the time I'm wondering why I can't make myself cheer up!
   The Lord has set me up. First He told me I was an idealist. And then He put me in a situation where I will be forced to either live miserably or get rid of my idealism! I think He's very smart. Because now I'm going to try and not get frustrated when people act selfishly, pridefully, or un-lovingly. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do instead, but I'm sure that's part of my lesson. So I'll leave it to Him.