Lessons in Intimidation

Camp has become ingrained--and I really am missing home, while feeling like this is family at the same time. I have finally gotten used to Montana's sudden storms that materialize out of a clear sky within minutes. I have gotten used to people teasing me and learned to not take everything so seriously. I've learned to fail and let it roll off my back. I've learned my own limits of energy and strength.

This week has been very interesting also because I am not counseling and other stuff's been going on. Last week I got pretty burned out and asked Pat if I could have this week off of counseling. I'm still doing music and leading worship, but I got sick on Tuesday and was extremely grateful that I didn't have a cabin and had enough time off each day to take long naps and get rested up.

Sunday I got myself into some trouble. Well, you could call it that, but it hasn't bit me back too much as of yet. So, to explain: there's this guy here at camp--the director's son--named Jordan, who is pretty famous for pranking. In previous years he has stolen girl's clothes and frozen them solid. He's put green dye in people's shampoo. He and his dad have dunked people in the kitchen sink, etc. This summer he got his girlfriend all wet and then covered her in flour. So, there's a lot of people here who won't mess with him.

So Sunday the staff went out to the Rolando's for dinner. All the previous staff hid their shoes inside the house, but us newbies left ours outside on the porch. Well, after dinner we discovered that Jordan--according to tradition--had pitched all our shoes off the porch into the yard. So I asked his dad where his shoes were at. Then I went, right before time to leave, and put two hand-fulls of ice in the toes of his shoes. He was so mad! Later I told him it was me--he hadn't even suspected me--and he said he was going to get me back. So all week we've been going back and forth with little pranks and his haven't really worked very well. I've got all my stuff hidden and I've got lots of spies on him. Hehehe.
Its been really fun and even though sometimes he comes up to me and is really intimidating, I've learned that there's not really much he can do to me and so I shouldn't be afraid.

I hate to turn this into a spiritual lesson, but you know me! I was thinking the other day about Jordan and I's prank war. And just like he can be intimidating because he's bigger, faster, and stronger than me...I know I don't have to be afraid because I'm evidently smarter than him! So in the same way I ought to think of the enemy. I've been afraid of demons for awhile and this has often tormented me very miserably, especially if I'm along at night. But I know that the enemy can't do anything to me. And so I don't have to be afraid of him. Not because I'm smarter than him, but because Jesus has overcome him and has given me that victory.

Please pray that I will get well and not have to fight this cold anymore. It makes leading worship and having energy to teach music a challenge. But God is doing His work in spite of my weakness! Also, I'm planning on going home this fall to work. Possibly at a day care teaching music, giving piano lessons to friend's children, etc. I've found out this summer that I love working with kids and want to do this for the rest of my life. God has put it on my heart to have a camp like Trail's End in a foreign country like Kenya or Uganda. So, that's a big interest for me--working with kids--and I hope to keep doing it this fall. Please pray that I get a good job and find the place God wants me to be till I go back to school next Spring.

Update for the Summer #1

Hello friends,

Its been ages since I posted anything. As you read before camp is awesome, the people here are amazing, and I am being challenged and stretched in many good ways. 

  This is my second week counseling. Last week I had eight middle school girls in my cabin. We studied the book of Ruth together and talked about relationships and the way God wants Christians to trust Him for their spouse. Most of the girls had not read Ruth before and found it very interesting. One girl asked me, "So why did you say this was a love story if Boaz only married Ruth for the land?"

I love it when my campers ask questions! (especially if I know the answer...hehe) Well, I explained the last two chapters and how they show that Boaz had been watching Ruth and admired her character and compassion for Naomi. We also talked about how he tricked his relative into deciding not to be the kinsman-redeemer for Ruth, since he really wanted to marry her! The girls really enjoyed the discussion. 

One of my girls that week was having a lot of trouble with understanding the gospel. She was the quiet type and had deep feelings about God and what she'd heard in church and at camp, but didn't know how to put those thoughts and feelings into words. It was very difficult to talk to her about Jesus' love and then let her walk away without accepting Him. I would say that she felt comfortable with me--I didn't push religion on her--but she didn't make any decisions. I am keeping her in prayer. 

This week I have a great cabin of seven high school aged girls. I've been helping counsel one of their sisters, in the cabin next door, who is struggling with a lot of serious issues. She is depressed, has very low self-esteem, etc. Its been a wonderful experience pouring out Christ's love on her and feeling like God is truly using me to reach out. But I am very weak and she has a lot of questions and feelings that don't have a quick answer--I can only help her so much. 

So I'm having to grow in strength and stamina both physically and spiritually. Whenever I get grumpy and feel like a failure and want to quit I remember that I have prayed for God to pour me out, break me, and humble me. He has been doing just that. 

I am having a lot of fun too though. Its not all work and no play. The games here are a blast, I get to paintball some, and the friends I am making are really awesome. I also am learning that liking a guy is not something bad...I guess I always thought before that I had to repress it inside me, try to kill it, and hope that maybe it would go away. But, I think God's been telling me: "Give yourself a break. You're human and thats the way I made you. So enjoy it! Don't do anything stupid, don't put any stock in it, but enjoy it."

   So thats what I've been doing. 

Something else thats been on my mind is how a relationship would work best for me. See, I've kind of figured out how not to do things. I generally learn the hard way, so thats no news to me. But now I've been pondering and praying about what the best way is...for me. I understand that people are individuals and what works for one doesn't always work for another. 

   I'm the kind of person that is so serious about relationships that if I think I like someone and they like me, I immediately start evaluating them as a potential spouse. Now, don't get all scared and run away, guys, because as creepy as that is, I've always known it was a fault and tried to not react that way. I tend to have a lot of internal battles when it comes to boys, if you haven't picked that up yet. 

Well, I was thinking, if there was a way for me to separate in my mind a not-serious relationship and a serious relationship....then I could possibly do better about getting to know someone without getting to deep in a relationship. So I'm actually thinking about dating and then courting if things get that serious. Its an interesting thought to someone like me who has been taught a courtship mindset. But I do believe courtship is still the right way to go. Its just not fool proof and I have proven myself to be a little foolish before. 

Anyways, that my self-relationship counseling for the week. Hopefully I'll get some other's feedback on that as well. For now, I've got the joy of the Lord and the peace that He brings for everything and anything that life will bring.

Trail's End Ranch - Ekalaka, MT

     If there was a ever a place where a kid could come and feel loved, understood, and happy, I think Trail's End Ranch would be that place. Already the staff has spent a whole week sitting in training sessions that go from before 10am in the morning, to around 10pm at night, learning about the situations kids are in, how to understand them, and how to help them.
       We have begun to learn what it is "in everything to give thanks". There's a cute little saying we have when someone is complaining. We say "cucumbers" to the other staff and most often to ourselves--this reminds us of how the Israelites complained in the desert that they only had manna instead of cucumbers, leeks, and all that Egyptian food. It reminds us to be thankful.
       Already we have covered the subjects of suicidal thoughts, hurt from broken or divorced families, feelings of loss when a loved one dies, the need to be listened to, the need to understand Biblical truth--especially for children who haven't come from a Christian background--we've talked about pornography and abortion and other issues that some of the teens coming into camp could be facing and struggling with.
      At Trail's End, "Camp is for the camper" and we are not babysitters. Each staff member that takes this training seriously and offers themselves to God sacrificially will go into the eight weeks of camp prepared to minister to each child in a deep and meaningful way. The gospel will be preached, the kids who are saved will be given opportunities to grow in their maturity and knowledge, and the importance of sharing our faith to the lost will also be emphasized. All in all, I really believe Trail's End is effectively doing the work of God in these kid's lives, and I'm inspired by all that I see and hear.
       This makes me especially excited because there are skills I am learning here that will prove to be useful if I go oversees and want to have ministry with Muslim children. Of course there will be major cultural differences with how things are done, but I have dreamed of having a school, and now I am seeing an American version of my dreams materialized. I truly believe God has brought me to Trail's End for this purpose, among others.
      Emotionally, I have been greatly challenged, just in the first week up here. I came to camp with the private purpose of seeking to grow closer to God aside from the distractions of relationships with boys. Now, I counted on their only being the kind of distractions at camp that I don't go for...like the really hot guys who are flirts and go after the giddy, blonde-headed girls. I never like those types and I'm never paid any attention to by them. So I figured I wouldn't have a problem.
   Maybe that was naive?
Anyways, I am being distracted because this camp has "my version" of Romeo, and I am thrown for a loop. But God is good, and He is teaching me to fight off romantic thoughts with a very effective weapon: Scripture! Now, I KNOW this is a good skill to have in missions--especially where there is heavy spiritual attack and oppression (like the Middle East and Africa). So even in this trail I see the hand of God.
      I am also making some really great friends up here. I have absolutely been convinced that this is the best summer job in the entire world. And I think there's a big chance I'll be coming back in the future!
(unless I change my mind when the kids get here and I see how much work it really is!)

Please pray for me. I have been getting very tired and physically sore. My knees have not had any of their old problems with running and stuff, but they have been pretty sore after some of our rougher games. So you can pray that the Lord would truly be my strength, both spiritually and physically.

Contentment

"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased (live humbly), and I know how to abound (live prosperously). Everywhere, and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~Philippianes 4: 11-13

        For the past two weeks something has been growing inside me which makes me grumpy most of the time, makes me want to be alone and sulk, makes prayer a chore, and makes 'doing what's right' seem meaningless and unfulfilling. Self-pity and impatience/shortness with others are the side effects, and of late I have grown extremely anxious to know what is at the root.

  Last night I (grudgingly) went to teens with Gina, knowing that I wouldn't have any friends there and that I wouldn't have any fun (there's the self-pity). But in spite of my coming expecting nothing from God, God decided to give me something anyways. The subject of Josh's teaching and our discussion was from Romans 12: 1-2, about taking our thoughts captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ. I appreciated that Josh didn't only emphasize the obvious thoughts we ought to take captive: lust, pride, anger; but that he also emphasized thoughts of self-pity, condemnation, and shame that the enemy brings to us but which do not line up with the Word of God.

     Leaving the church, I had a lot to think about, and my sleep was full of crazy dreams. But this morning I was able to think some, and realized that this 'spiritual apathy' I had been feeling ashamed of was not really me--I want Jesus and holiness very much!--but it was the emotion of a heart afflicted with discontent. Rather than be convicted of this, I saw that God wanted to encourage me to take my thoughts captive and to remember how much I do love Him! He wants to deal with my discontent, and I am very glad He does, because I'm very sick of it.

     The great thing about taking thoughts captive is that to do so you have to confront the thoughts with the Word of God. Which means you've got to have the Word of God in you! And so this is another motivation for the scripture memorization that I already wanted to work on this summer! God is a great planner and always knows just what we need.

Home

  I have been back at home for some time now.
     The first week flew by very fast filled with lots of games of Battleship with the little guys, lots of playing music for the family, and lots of talks with Gina late into the night. It is hard in many ways to be back. I have not been used to the boy's romps and arguments--so those things make me upset with them and I often say things I don't mean. I have to get used to ignoring their remarks so that we won't get into any "battles of the wit". I always lost my temper, and Jon and Seth seem to know just what to say to stump me.

       Its been interesting to get to know the family again. My parents are the same, but dearer to me because of the stage of life I'm in. It used to be hard to have to get their advice on everything--these days I really think that I can't do without it!
       Gina is very different. I have to get used to the woman she is becoming, and remember that she's not my little sister that I can boss anymore. We are still so close, and I am so glad of that. She has been a great source of comfort and understanding to me of late.
      Jon and Seth have grown up a great deal in the five months I was gone. They are as tall as me now, very manly and strong, and are starting to swagger around and give their opinions to me. Oh dear.
      Judah and Israel are practically the same. They still are mischievous and clever at getting what they want. They still think they're big enough to take the big boys. And most of all, they still love to play with me, show me their tricks, and ask me to pray for them at night. That time beside their beds is very precious to me--I pray my heart out for them and then get lots of kisses. I wish I could say they went right to sleep after that, but I know I didn't when I was a kid, and neither do they!
      We have a dog now too, named Buddy. He's a big fluffy thing that is very gentle, very friendly, and not at all a nuisance like some dogs. Daddy asked me once, "You don't really like dogs either?" (its a well-known fact that I don't like cats). Well, I must say that if there ever was a pair of dogs I liked, they would be Buddy and the collie we used to have named Dylan. Besides those two, I'll stick with birds.
      Nanny and Poppy are here too. Yesterday, Daddy and the big boys had to take part of our wood fence down and pull their RV through to the back yard because the city said we couldn't let them park beside our house, next to the driveway. So now they are camped in the backyard under a tree and have their own little park to sit and admire from their 'porch'. This park has lots of green grass, a 4' inflatable swimming pool, and a vegetable garden!
Poppy is so wise and Nanny so kind. I love having them here. I have found myself going to Poppy for advice lately, and I've asked Nanny to be my accountability and prayer partner for the summer while I'm gone to Montana. She is very excited about that, to be sure.
    I am preparing to go to a christian summer camp called Trail's End Ranch, but I really wish I knew more details about the job so I could prepare. I know that I will be doing music for the chapel services and that they have a keyboard. I've gotten some music together and ordered a hymnal from Amazon, but I am really going with very little at this point. I don't know what kind of music they like, and I have a feeling that I don't know any of the 'camp songs' that are a lot of fun and that kids love so much.
  I trust though, that as long as I go prepared for anything I'll have a lot of fun and be able to help all the children God sends to talk to me while I'm there. Montana itself should be beautiful; and countryside always rests me up--even when I am hard at work in it.
   God has been doing so much in my heart that I can't even write here. It has been very painful--probably the most painful lesson I have had to learn in my life! But He has been good and gracious to me. My heart is tender before  Him, and while I would like to lock everything away and forget about it, He won't let me. I must go through each little trial He sends, learn the lesson it gives, and make certain that I am wholly His and trusting Him alone for each new day. Please keep me in your prayers this summer.

Devon Avenue

This afternoon I visited Devon avenue--the "little India" of Chicago, where Pakistani Muslims and Indian Hindus live and work side by side. There are a myriad of tiny clothing, jewelry, live poultry, and literature/media shops as well as little cafe's and mini restaurants boasting all kinds of foods and sweets.
        I was there with my Contemporary Islam class; we were taking a field trip to Devon Ave with our Pakistani professor, Dr. Samuel Naaman. We went to the South Asian Friendship Center first to drink some chai--oh, how I loved smelling that strong tea-and-milk aroma! I haven't had chai made quite like the Kenyan chai I experienced five years ago on a missions trip. I was delighted to say the least. Then we sat in the small room where the Center has their Sunday services and listened to David Echols, former missionary in Pakistan and India, tell stories about his own ministry experiences.
        He told us about how there were many Muslims coming to faith in Jesus Christ in India--partly because they are able to relate to the Christians easier than the Hindi's who look down on them and persecute them. He also told us about how he was being persecuted in Pakistan when he and his family began to have so much success at converting Muslims that the activist Muslims became angry, invaded his home in the middle of the night, and tried to rob and kill him. Both times that these men came, the Lord protected the Echol family in a mighty way. Such stories only add fire to the passion that has begun to burn in me for the Muslim world.
        I simply can't wait to begin full-time ministry! Yet at the same time, I know from my reading and studying with Dr. Naaman that I am far from prepared for the challenges of ministry. I don't have the maturity of years and the necessary connections with other like-minded missionaries. I need to form a team, I need to gather support, I need to make myself ready to become a "Muslim to the Muslims" and most of all, I need to begin witnessing to Muslims in Chicago.
     When I read amazing books like Bridges to Islam by Phil Parshall, The Unseen face of Islam by Bill Musk, and Building Churches in Muslim Cities by Greg Livingstone, I see the great need and feel an overwhelming call to Muslim missions. I am getting hundreds of ideas all at one for what I want to do specifically. Yet nothing has been tested by the council of others who have actually done this kind of ministry. I am really excited to see that God has so quickly grown this passion in me, and I know He will send me to the right mentors and programs. He will open doors and close doors.
     So, the purpose of this rant, is to say: "I want to be a missionary!"
And to express some of my wondering where to begin. I wish that Moody--or any other school for that matter--had a program to specifically train students for Muslim missions. I could use anthropology, culture studies, hermeneutics, church planting, language, phonetics, English teaching, more on classes on Muslim beliefs, music, and ways of thought. There is so much that a Bible or Missions major at Moody doesn't even begin to address! I could take a hodgepodge of stuff at Moody--but that wouldn't give me a degree. Hmm. A lot to think about. I don't think a degree is the point--the skills and knowledge is the point. But there are a lot of obstacles to that and if that's where God wants me to go, as I said, He'll have to open the right doors and close the wrong ones.
This is a great God that we serve!

When God lets you drop...

There once was a man who went on a walk in the Grand Canyon. He took a small winding trail off the main venue to get away from the crowds of sight seers and trail guides. Panting for breath after a steep climb he squatted down in the shade of a sajauro cactus. Then he got up to continue his hike, but didn't notice the loose gravel covering the place where he stood. He suddenly found himself sliding on the loose earth toward a precipice. Faster and faster he went, desperately trying to dig his feet into the ground and stop his decline. At the very last moment he reached out and caught hold of a small, wiry bush that had dug its roots in the side of the cliff. His feet continued to slide and soon were kicking and swinging in the air above the drop off. His heart beat so fast he could hardly take a deep enough breath to get out his cry for help. As he clutched the trunk of the bush he cried again and again, "Help! Is anybody there? Somebody help me!"

   Now this man was a Christian. He was very close to God and often heard God's voice. But he had never heard it clearer than in that moment:

  "I'll help you." God said out of the blue sky, "Let go of the bush."

Now, when I first heard this story it was a joke--and the punch line was when the man replied, "Is there anybody else up there?" But instead of laughing, I responded by wondering what I would have done in the same circumstance. So, go with me to that precipice, place yourself in that man's predicament. Feel the strength leaving your hands, hear the cracking of the bush as it begins to give way under your weight. Feel the quiet of the desert, the canyon, the sky--you're alone and no one is coming to help you.

Then think of letting go.

No! 

Your flesh screams it. How could you let go? Isn't that suicide? But also--God could possibly know something you don't. Who do you trust? Your gut--or God?

This reminds me of another story.

There once was a little girl who loved a lion. He had saved her, her friends, and her family from the power of an evil ruler. But since then he had gone missing and they were once again in terrible trouble. They needed his help. Walking through the woods, this little girl and her friends came upon a huge gorge through which a river ran. And it was from the edge of that precipice that Lucy saw The Lion.

You know the story of Aslan and the four Pevensie children from C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia. 

The Pevensies did not trust Lucy that first time and follow her on a path that seemed to them to lead right over the edge of the cliff to a stony death below. But later they learned of their error, returned to the gorge, and in stepping out, found a hidden path they had not seen before. Aslan had known something they did not. 

The same is true for us. 

We walk along in life, confident that our stride will bridge any streams or crevices we meet. Even if we do slip up some we are pretty sure that if we dig our feet in and catch hold of something, we'll come out alright in the end. We are self-reliant, confident, mature.

The Bible says that God resists the proud, and think of all the ways in which God brings life, joy and peace into our lives. If we were missing these blessings, what a miserable life we would have! Yet God will not bless us with his presence or his favor if we lift ourselves above Him in pride. In His mercy He would rather humble us through painful circumstances than to see us outside of His blessing.

And so we find ourself on the cliff edge hanging by our fingertips, and finding no one but God to help. 

"Let go." He says. "Trust me."

Oh, how it burns, our feeling of resistance...the pride welling up inside. Yet, once we release our grip, we find ourself falling, falling and then--BAM--a tough landing on the Solid Rock, our refuge and foundation, which we had not known would be there to catch us. Its at this point that we cry tears of repentance and releif and begin, instead of hating the word trust, to sing hymns like this one:

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just to take Him at His word.

Just to rest upon His promise,

And to know "Thus, saith the Lord."

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I've proved Him o're and o're.

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus.

Oh, for faith to trust Him more!"

Thus saith the Lord: "Let go."