The Coming of the Day

Have you heard the sound?
Like silent light it pierces.
Metal rising to the sky in palisaded walls
Break the light into a million rays
So that the flat, square glass is painted, washed in golden haze.
Like insects below, the people move about--
They dash to and fro with straight-faced frenzy
The sunlight on their cold faces falls,
Smudging out difference of years or race;
But no one notices.
They are in a hurry, eyes fixed on the clock,
feet tapping, hands clenched, breath held tight.
But the sound, with the day, continually grows.
With 'ear candy' the sound may be dimmed.
With dark eye-glasses, the light may be less piercing.
With a full agenda the clock may be hurried on
Past the moments of decision--
Moments of life or death.
What they can't shut out though, is the coming of the day.
Each night the streets may flow with filth
Each night the darkness may grow yet darker
Each night captives may be led away,
While masters of debauchery will be enslaved.
Death may meet some--expected or not--
The difference is a small one.
But no matter how black the sky is painted,
No matter how thickly a city of people may lay on the filth
The Day will come--all will be washed away.
Light will creep into the corners and crevices
Some will open their eyes to receive it, others not.
But victorious, the sound of Day will never end its resounding cry--
From roof to roof, window to window, shore to shore.
Until all have heard.

This Sunny Struggle

      It is Finals Week. For most college students, this is already the most stressful time of year. It is also spring and while flowers bloom on the trees in the plaza, newly coupled pairs of young people linger under the branches, chatting about non-essentials with a rather unusual interest that is obviously not captured by the conversation. While the weather is growing daily warmer and the sun has decided to spend more time on the job, and less time in its white cloud-stuffed bed, people are finding it pleasant to walk out of doors and explore--especially in a city like Chicago.
     I too have been sucked into this rather delightful and confusing phenomenon of spring. Hmm, but like my professor said, these times are not happy for every one as far as relationships is concerned. There is a lot of break-ups and heart-wrenching at this time as well. We must not forget to mention these unfortunates.
       Broken relationships are not the only rain cloud hanging over the atmosphere, there are many other troubles, finals and juries being two major ones for college students. I have weathered the latter and day after tomorrow will begin my first exam, finishing my finals the next day with another one. This is a small matter in my mind at the moment. Many other things weigh me down whenever I find my mind wandering into their regions.
     First there is a great conflict going on at home which prudence will not allow me to divulge to my readers--but this is not an uncommon plight for students who live far from home and are yet involved emotionally in the trials their family may be experiencing while they are away. Electronic communication very poorly accommodates conversation between people who love each other very much and know each other very well--it often leaves the student with the bare facts bereft of the comforts of "being in this together" and the communal support of the family unit. Thankfully, I will return home in a few days for at least three week's stay and a lot of this difficulty will be removed.
     Secondly, I am learning that ambiguity has a way of saying something specific very loudly and clearly, whereas simply coming out and shouting it to someone might not do the job as well in comparison. Its an interesting paradox. But I am walking it out each day as the semester comes to a close. I may have the liberty to say more about the source of this lesson in future. And while I have been asking God a lot of questions, I have been hearing very few cemented assurances from Him.
      The word of this season seems to be 'uncertainty'--and yet it is very clear to me that things are not truly uncertain; in fact they have been decided upon and plans have been made and very carefully set into play--my uncertainty doesn't cancel the fact that God is very certain of what He is doing, whether He lets me in on the secret or not. This is why I would like to call this semester's close a time of 'sunny struggle'. There is a lot of sunshine about, both literally and spiritually. But I am in a very real, gripping struggle with fears and uncertainties and opportunities to doubt God in every aspect of my life: school, finances, family, relationships, future planning, employment, etc. It is the sunshine in these struggles that is a gift from God which enables me to truly hope in Jesus. The sunshine helps me to set my eyes on Him and decide that perseverance is possible, and the answer, though unknown, is already set into place.
       I love my Lord and trust Him.
       He is the sunshine in my life no matter what season I am walking through!

The Riches of His Grace

My last post was kind of depressing, I know. So, I intend to cheer the blog up a little bit and praise God a lot by relating some of the wonderful things that have happened since my return to Chicago.

The first weekend back was weird. I got here on Saturday and tried to settle into the new room, on the new floor in Houghton. Most of my stuff was coming in boxes in the mail, so unpacking was not really going to happen until monday. My room mate was already here and I got to meet her. First answer to prayer: Joy is an amazing woman--very kind, understanding, and dedicated to Christ. I can trust her and we have already built a foundation for our friendship on prayer and encouraging one another. I couldn't have asked for a better person to room with this semester!

After acclimating to classes and spending the first few days of classes trying to remember the names of my new brother floor and sister floor, I finally started to release the built-up anxiety I'd had since my arrival. It felt so good to have friends and studies to occupy myself with--and I was excited about seeking out my Savior this semester. Coming into the semester I felt like the Lord was wanting to use this semester to teach me about humility. This is something I've been praying for a long time.

By now, the second month of school, I have made some very close friends with the girls on the floor--especially one girl named Madie. And several of the brothers are becoming good friends as well. I really enjoy studying with them and we often play ping-pong, foosball, go ice skating, and play racquetball. I am so blessed to know them! Not only are they a source of entertainment, the Lord has been using them very often to teach me things and help me in so many ways.

Unlike previous semesters I've been very blessed to be in close contact with my mother and some of the brothers at home. They recently each sent me a precious letter: Judah asked me what my hobbies are, Jon asked if I had a boyfriend, and Seth said he was going to come up and visit during one of my breaks! Israel sent me a picture of an Indian rowing a canoe that he'd drawn. He's getting better at his art! Its so neat to hear how they are growing and even becoming more passionate for Jesus in my absence. I miss them a lot.

This week was Founder's Week and I have been very busy. The first two days I worked catering and my Jimmy John's job all day and then went to the evening sessions afterwards. The speakers have been great! I especially enjoyed Chip Ingram's influential, timely message yesterday night. My family has been tuning in on the internet broadcast as well, adding to the experience--I love knowing that they're seeing the same thing as me and then being able to talk to them about it later on!

The blizzard has definitely been the highlight of this past month! I LOVE snow. And there is a lot of snow out there right now. After the evening session night before last--when it first came down really heavy--a group of us moody students decided to brave the winds and walk home in the blustery whiteness. It was soooo much fun! (except for the 2 minutes of agony when my fingers weren't numb yet) The very next day I visited Houghton roof just to see the wonderful drifts up there and look out over the city. Snow is the perfect softening, light-giving decoration for a dirty, rough-edged city like Chicago. It reminds me of the purity of Christ and how He transforms our lives in a similarly striking, pleasant manner.

I am greatly enjoying my studies so far. Though it is a struggle to keep up with everything. I have classes from morning to early afternoon, a few hours to practice piano and study, and then I either have work or PCM each night until 9pm or so. After this more study if I'm not too tired, and then rest. The weekends are filled with more studying and as much fun as I can fit in without compromising my priorities. Its hard to say no to friends sometimes. But I really want to do well this semester in every area.

I'm going to a great church with one of the sisters on my floor. Its a small community church in the southwest corner of the city--not sure of the exact location--and its a very good church. They have a lot of diversity, excellent worship led by a moody alumnus, and biblical preaching. The also have a college group that is trying to reach out to college-age unbelievers; I'd like to get involved with that group if I can make the meetings. I'll probably end up working those nights every week though.

Ultimately, every prayer or concern that I had coming back to moody has been answered. I have a job, my relationships are positive and uplifiting, I have a great room mate, I have a good church to go to, I'm keeping up with homework, and I've been able to keep in touch with my family. Not only that, the Lord is making my grow and stretch in my spiritual walk. I am hungry for His word--though finding a time to study it is difficult--and He is speaking to my heart daily. I just want to thank Jesus for being faithful, full of grace, rich in mercy, and very loving to me. There is none like Him.

Lament

When a child says "I need to make my own decisions for my life." what do you say in return? This statement is inevitably followed by one like it, "Oh, but the way you and I interpret the Bible might be different." Such words are knife wounds in a parent's heart. What demon has possessed your child that he or she should say such things?

But we forget that our children are precious and they are vulnerable to the enemy's attack. He wants them. He longs to draw their minds into deep-set ruts of deception painted over with the luster of "liberation" and "understanding." Liberation from what? Dictatorial rule of the parent. Understanding about what? The wants and needs of a soul who has not yet learned what self-control, longsuffering, and selfless sacrifice is, and how good these spiritual disciplines are for its eternal well-being. 

So what do you tell the child? You've been teaching them scripture all their life. You read to them the Proverbs and they know many by heart. They know not to lie, not to steal, not to blaspheme. And yet they do these things and more now that they have seized their "liberation" from your old-fashioned, ultra-stringent religious beliefs. At least, they see your beliefs in such a light. But you yourself know that for centuries people have honored and respected what is called the "ancient paths." 

"Ancient paths?" you might say, "Well, that does sound pretty old and outdated. I'm sure theology has progressed much further in recent times. Is there really a need to press this sense of tradition on our children?"

But you are mistaken. The ancient paths are not tradition anymore than the Bible is historical fiction. The ancient paths are the roads marked by martyr's blood; the deeply ingrained paths of the mind and heart first made by spiritual giants such as the apostles Peter, Paul, and John. These paths are a way of living; and they lead you to one place: to the mirror at which you may stand and see that after all of your journey along this hard, difficult way, you have been changed from the scoundrel you once were to an image of surpassing  purity and glory--an image of Christ. 

Any other way which is offered that does not lead to this end and is not so proven over time and through history is of no use to the Christian. The other ways offered by the world, by popular religion, and by our inward self will not lead us into an image of Christ but to ruin. This is exactly what Satan, the Great Destroyer, wants and he has cleverly put the idea into our children's heads that they do not have to follow the ancient paths to follow Christ. He offers them a comfortable, up-beat, new-and-improved version of the Christian life and explains that the ancient paths are out-dated and unnecessary. "After all, you have your rights; you're an adult now and have the liberty to decide what you believe about how you want to live. You have the freedom to be different than your parents." and he adds, maliciously, "You don't even need their approval....you have God's approval."

The tragic thing is, they believe it. 

 No amount of explaining why it is necessary to follow the ancient paths will do. They may only reply, "Well, that is your opinion." and dismiss everything you might say to save them from their disaster. This attitude destroys family's like nothing else.  It puts the individual child in a place where they may easily sacrifice their family, years of love and memories, relationships built over long periods of time to the one thing that matter most: themselves. For as soon as they make the decisions themselves and start calling the shots, its not about Christ anymore, or even about right and wrong, its about them.

That's why you find a child saying, "Oh, God is blessing me sooo much. I can see how He is providing for everything!" And the next thing you know they are sleeping with their boyfriend and lying to get out of trouble. You hear about them going to church, they say that they are praying for the Lord's direction, and yet you know that they are living a low, sinful life outside of the church. Not only does it make you angry that they could live such a lie, it makes you hurt for them, because this type of lifestyle changes them so dramatically that you hardly know them anymore. They seem fragile, broken, and dirty. And there is nothing you can do to bring back the beautiful, innocent child of Jesus they once were.

You wonder about their salvation. You wonder if they will ever repent of their ways. You wonder about the future and how you might have to deal with their new lifestyle and its consequences for the rest of your life. What will you say to this child's children when they come? Will you even be able to bear watching them raise your grandchildren in their own false footsteps? Will you not wish that either you or this child had never been born that such a tragedy should not have occurred? 

It breaks your heart. Not because you feel that they're wrong and you're right.   They ARE wrong and the ancient paths ARE right. And there is nothing you can do to keep them from the reaping the death and destruction they are sowing. You can only pray that they will repent and perhaps escape total ruin. 

Back to School

I will be back in Chicago in just a few days. 

This means several things for me. I'll be starting afresh at my studies and a lot of other things at school. But the greatest change is the closing of this season of waiting on the Lord. Its been a hard season, but a good one. I have been made to understand myself as I am, and also as the Lord sees me--two different pictures, but equally meaningful. 

    The hardest parts were when Gina left home. At the same time I was engaged in a lot of spiritual battles. My family needed my support, people at work needed the gospel, and I felt very alone and too weak to adequately meet those needs. I felt like I needed to meet them, anyways. 

   I was reading II Chronicles 12:9-10 last night before I went to bed. Part of it says, "For my strength is made perfect in weakness." Stephen Curtis Chapman has song on the same topic. One of the lyrics says, "Where my strength comes to an end, it's there Your strength begins." This is the one thing that ties together everything God has been teaching me this season. And I am so very, very thankful to have had this time with my family, and with Him. 

   But now, its back to school for me! To tell the truth I am very excited. Though I asked my mother the other day, "Are you ever going to be o.k. with me living somewhere else?" I asked her this because it really makes me sad to make her sad by leaving. But I need to. 

    When I'm not thinking about how mother feels I get very excited about going back up to Chicago. There will be lots of snow, and the 'L' again, and finding a new church, and getting to know my new room mate and sister/brother floors, and new classes with new professors. Also, I really want to practice harder than I ever have before and become a much better pianist. I'm exciting about growing in that area. 

   I have already been emailing my room mate, Joy Mase. She sounds really cool! I think we will get along well and be able to help each other a lot. She has already been praying for me before she knew who I was! I never even thought of praying for her. So, the Lord is already teaching me through her example. 

   The only thing I have to be anxious about is the finances at school. I have one job possibility, but it may not start making money for me until late January. The problem is, I have spent all my money on the December payment and don't have much left for the January payment due in a few days. So, I am wondering how stringent Moody is on their "canceling registration" policy for late payments. Oh well, the Lord knows. And if I end up having to leave Moody this semester, it will be alright. But I'm pretty sure that won't happen. :D

               

To sing or not to sing?

I find the idea of directing elementary choirs something irresistible at the moment. I am accompanying Miss Susie's elementary choir at Travis Academy of Fine Arts this fall. I have watched the children learn music in leaps and bounds, and I've witnessed the magic of Miss Susie's teaching methods work wonders with them. I consider Susie to be a bit of a genius, but most of what she does was learned through music study and experience. Both of which are not impossible for me to have as well.
   The fact of the matter is, I would love to do what she does. And while I know how hard I would have to work, and how long I would have to be in school to get there, I really think its worth it. If I knew for sure that's what God has in the majority of my future, I think I would be changing my major in a heartbeat. But I am not for sure.
   Yet I can't help but reflect that you can be a missionary (my other dream/calling) without a college degree, while its nearly impossible to teach music professionally without one! The logic of the matter leads me to believe that I would be better off with even a rudimentary music education than a missions degree. These are things that I am weighing in my heart and mind right now.
    Last spring I made the decision to change my major from ethnomusicology to international missions. But as I reflect and contemplate returning to Moody this spring, I am starting to doubt the soundness of that decision. For one thing I can't remember my motives, and I suspect that they stemmed out of the completely lazy attitude I was steeped in at the time. Another thing is, I am pretty sure there is not one decision I made that semester that I have not lived to regret.
    Setting logic aside, I am certain that the Lord will direct in whichever direction I should go, and that in every circumstance His wisdom will prove to be the best. So, we shall see what happens in the next months.

This Winter

In the winter-time we see
the falling of the autumn leaves
the misting of the morning breeze
and many lovely, icy things

The boys bring wooden logs
and set them on the hearth to thaw
We bring out coats, gloves, hats, and all
and think "How short was this year's fall!"

It's wintertime already.

I cuddle up inside my quilts tonight
and look upon the silvery light
the moon's soft glow that creeps inside
and makes my room a pretty sight

I love the cold, the moon, the frost
I love the time with family, lost
whenever I'm away so oft'
and can't come home because of cost

This winter I am happy.